I often find that when I am talking to someone who is considering online dating, one of the things that frightens them the most is coming across a serial dater. The thought of a ‘dating professional’, someone who is callous, cold-at-heart and constantly on the hunt makes them want to hide in their house and never come out.
While I have encountered a couple of those types of dates, what I run into more often is the dating professional’s altar ego, the dating rube. These are the guys that are so clueless about how to go on a date or even hang out with a girl that I want to shake them by the shoulders, hard, and then give them some lessons and hints. My next date, Calum, needed to read a whole book on how to engage with females. Lucky, lucky me
Calum emailed me first and I was immediately intrigued. He had a nice smile, had been born in Scotland, was a single dad and had excellent taste in movies and music. I loved his pictures and his profile was well-written, witty and very down-to-earth. He suggested talking on the phone before we met and, although that is not my favorite thing to do, I agreed.
As I suspected, any boy becomes exponentially more charming if they speak with an accent. It didn’t hurt that Calum was warm and easy to talk to. There were no awkward pauses in the conversation (one of the main reasons I hate talking on the phone) and we were on the line for over an hour. He told me that he was the sole parent of his daughter because her mom had been killed in a car accident. A heavy topic, indeed, but Calum made me feel not at all awkward to be discussing it. At the end of the conversation, he suggested that we meet at one his favorite bars which happened to be in one of the shadier areas of Seattle, a neighborhood I do not walk alone in at night. I told him that was fine on the condition that he escort me to my car at the end of the date. “Of course, of course!” he laughed, “Don’t be silly! I would never let you walk alone.” Noted, Calum, noted.
I arrived first at the bar and waited for Calum to show up. When he was twenty minutes late I was on the verge of thinking I had been stood up. Just as I was about to leave, in he strolled. He was very good-looking and… he was also still in his work clothes. Apparently his day had included painting something black and green as he was covered in dried paint. Calum sat right down and ordered a beer and started in on a conversation without even mentioning being tardy and the fact that he was still wearing overalls.
Despite the bad beginning, Calum did turn out to be fairly fun to talk to although I was beginning to sense that we were not going to be a love match. I just was not sure how much we had in common. He was really into raising his kid and riding motorcycles and that seemed to be the extent of it. Thankfully we were able to talk a lot about movies and music. As our second round of drinks arrived, Calum asked how I found internet dating so far. I hadn’t even answered when he said that he had the craziest story about a woman he had met. He then proceeded to tell me, detail by detail, about dating this girl that he had met on Ok Cupid. I almost spit out my cocktail when he started discussing his sex life with her which included a very, very intimate description of her nether regions. Was he out of his mind?? How could he think I would ever want to hear this story?? I could not even speak I was so in shock. Guys have disclosed a lot of things to me but this was an absolute first. I have pictures in my head that I will never get rid of thanks to Calum.
I was thankfully saved from having to come up with something to say about another girl’s lady parts because Calum’s phone rang. He answered and it was his daughter so he stepped outside to take the call. I was still in a state of shock. Calum came back in and, without even sitting back down, threw his credit card on the table. “My daughter can’t find anything to eat so I need to go home and make her some dinner.” I didn’t want his daughter to starve, of course, but had he not thought of this before he came to meet me? I looked down at my full drink and weighed the possibility of getting attacked walking by myself to my car against getting escorted by the possibly unstable Calum. Not one to let a full drink go to waste, I decided that the neighborhood was the least scary of the two options.
To his credit, Calum offered to buy our drinks, a very kind gesture. He gave me a hug as he left which I knew would be our very, very last. As I finished my drink, alone, I had to laugh about getting genital details about another girl on a first date. So, so awesome. Before I left, I looked down at the credit card slip Calum had left and he had tipped our bartender $.50. Fifty cents! This guy was too much. I put down a more reasonable tip and walked by my lonesome to my car. I did not get killed which gave me the opportunity to turn down several further date requests from Calum and to also use his story to illustrate how to absolutely, absolutely not treat a girl.