Meggan’s pictures seemed fun, including a couple bikini pics. I’ve tried to stay away from girls who post pictures of themselves in bikinis (well, not TOO far away – let’s be honest) because it seems like the people who post those kind of pics are looking for attention and validation from guys in all the wrong ways, but it’s becoming more ubiquitous, and I have to say, this girl’s profile made me laugh. And she was cute. That’s plenty enough to invest sufficient time for an email.
Her response started out like this:
“Travis, Bahahahahahaha!!!! Ok, I’m runnin’ out the door but I have to write you back!! LOVE LOVE LOVE your profile! HI-Larious! And yes I have a case of the Mondays- Someone took my stapler and I didn’t get a piece of the birthday cake L!”
While possibly more clever than most, I didn’t think my email was “Bahahahahahaha!!!!” funny. But I will definitely give her points for running with my ‘Office Space’ reference, and for not holding back for the sake of decorum. It turns out that the decorum thing was merely a preview of coming attractions.
Her emails were funny and thoughtful, and when I called her, we actually got a bit political, too (she lives right off the Pride parade walk, and we had a good talk about Prop 8). Not a bad start.
I was beginning to feel excited about this one, so I asked her out and she said yes. Then, on the day before our big first date, she responded to my confirming text with a note that she had just re-met a guy from her past (elementary school), and “something popped up suddenly that she wanted to explore.” Crap. But I guess I had that dating karma coming to me. Sometimes you’re the pigeon, sometimes you’re the statue.
I texted her back that she seemed cool and funny, and if she wants to kick it sometime on the platonic tip, I’ll forget that I think she’s cute. She replied that she would love to, but would have to “run that by her new man.” Eeenteresting. But, ohblahdee, ohblahdoh, life goes on.
Fast forward about two months, and I get a text from her saying that things didn’t work out and I had been in her head since she broke it off. I wasn’t seeing anyone, so I took her up on getting together. She was going to a concert with some friends and invited me to it, but I had kickball that night, and I was trying to meet up with this girl I met in the real world [side note – she’s on Match now] so that I could get my jacket back from her.
At 11:30, I was done getting my jacket, and so I texted Meggan to see if she was still at the concert because I was in that part of town. I get a response that she just got home, but if I wanted to meet Nunu’s, a pretty good little dive bar that’s right behind her place, she could be there in 15. As I was 5 minutes away, it was a no brainer.
I can’t say I’m proud of it, but I definitely didn’t remember what her pictures looked like. Her profile was off of Match, so re-checking it was useless. I remember her being cute, though, so I figured there wouldn’t be too many cute blondes walking into a dive bar all alone at 12:00. I was right. There weren’t any. She looked nothing like her picture and I actually didn’t even recognize her once I saw her. Naturally though, she recognized me and said that I looked way better in person…which prompted my first lie of the night when I had to respond back in kind.
During the conversation we had, she was able to etch three different things onto the back wall of my brain in Sharpie pen. I’m still trying to find some cleaning compound to clean them off. And alcohol is not that compound – lord knows I’ve tried.
The first – Her name is spelled wrong because her dad didn’t know how to spell her name, and so he spelled it wrong on the birth certificate (by itself, it’s charming, even though having a dad with a 7th grade literacy level is more “charming” than “attractive.”)
The second – She was a squirter. Meaning like in the sex way. I refuse to spell it out for you any more than that. When she ‘let this one slip’ during our conversation, I was able to, externally at least, keep my cool. Thankfully the swill of 7 & 7 I had in my mouth two seconds prior had been swallowed, because I probably would have spat it out had she told me this two seconds earlier. I mean, really, on the first date?? It wasn’t until then that it clicked – we’re meeting next to her house…at a bar for (strong) drinks…and she’s telling me she’s a squirter…
She followed the squirter bit up with “Some guys love it, but some can’t handle it,” as if to challenge me. Then she talks about guys being drawn to it, which leads to…
The third – She has been married twice…AND ENGAGED THREE TIMES. At 30 years of age. Of course, I thought she was joking so I went with it, following her lead like I was doing improv, until about 30 seconds into it I realized she wasn’t joking. “Wait,” I said, “you weren’t joking about being engaged three times? [Nope.] Like in addition to the two people you were married to? [Yep.] So you have been engaged FIVE TIMES?? [Yep.]”
This whole thing was too much to handle. Luckily, it was last call (actually, it was way past last call – we were the last ones in the bar but they weren’t bugging us because she’s a regular. Naturally.) Thankfully, that was the excuse I needed to say I was super tired, but thanks and I will NOT be going to your house to participate in watersports and get engaged thank you very much.
What I learned:
-bikini pics do indeed have a strong correlation to attention- and affection-seeing behavior, for better and for worse.
-if a girl is texting you about meeting up (a) last minute, (b) at a bar that is very near her place, (c) at or around midnight, an entirely different set of rules is in effect than the normal first date. Be prepared.