A Guest Post From Monica!

Kick Me

Men with accents are hot. They’re sexy, charming and all they do is say “hello”….and my bra comes off. What is it about guys with foreign accents that makes us ladies swoon? I’ve dated fellows from South Africa, Pakistan, Italy (my favorite) Spain and last week, Britain.

I had met a fellow online, and we shall name him.. Austin. Austin said he was single, a nurse, a Gold’s Gym member and had a really, nice looking profile photo. We quickly exchanged instant emails, texting and talking over the phone.

Now, for a girl, I really do HATE talking on the phone. I hate getting voice mails, I hate long conversations and blah, blah.. blah. However, with an accent like that, he could read the phone book to me.

He had asked for a date. The plan was to have dinner at Oddfellows, a hip bar and restaurant in Seattle. As the day final arrived, I met with my fellow lady friends, Sara, Toni and Katy at a bar nearby (those are their real names because they are AWESOME). I had a little girly prefunk before my date and I was also able to coach them into going with me to Oddfellows for a sneaky dating stakeout.

After struggling to find parking, I went in and he was late. Of course. My lady friends found another table and I scooped out the front table. I sat and waited.. and waited… and waited. He finally arrived!

And… 1985 called and wanted their clothes back. Now, I’m not TOO picky on what guys wear. However, I make sure to look NICE for the gentlemen I am meeting.  However, my date was wearing the following:

Sleeveless shirt, AND a sleeveless VEST,  baggy shorts and then just around the ankle, cut off white socks with tennis shoes.

Swoooooooooooooon!

Now what I find absolutely hilarious is when a person posts one full body pic from years ago and all of their “recent” ones are from the neck up and he was not even close to a few years ago. And not even close to ANY of his profile photos. Try like 15 to 20 years ago. Seriously, did he think I wouldn’t notice? Or did he think he could win me over with his personality and I would forgive his deception? And, oh, he had glasses. Nothing against glasses but.. geeesh.

As my heart sank and my mind was thinking ‘RUN’, I waved him down. The first thing out of his mouth was, “It’s sure is loud in here”.  Strike two. After a few moments of eyeing the exit door, he asked if we could switch seats so he could “eye” the room.  Strike three.

Then, when the waitress came over to take our order, he did not order anything nor pay for my drink. Strike four. And then explained to me that he had psychic abilities. Really, a***?! Can you read my mind now?!

After 20 minutes of him making many compliants about the of the noise in the room, I suggested we move to the bar upstairs. I closed my tab and we adventured upstairs. Now, I know I could have left but I was starving and this guy was so weird I needed to find out if he was dropped or maybe even thrown as a infant.

Seated upstairs it was easier to hear him. Then I thought.. oh crap. Now I have to listen to him talk. I found out the following during that conversation:

He was married.

He also had a girlfriend.

And he had  a c*** in his mouth when he was in nursing school.

I can’t make this sh** up, kids.

After drinking two Manhattans to numb my mind, I ordered some crab cakes. I was starving and once again… he did not order anything. Not even a Coke. After I was full I pushed away my plate.

He then pulled my plate towards him and then he ATE my crab cakes. That was strike 103. We left and I walked to my car, thankfully, alone.

The next morning I received an email from him asking “May I see you again, or will I be one of your many stories?”

What do you think?

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Posted on by Kate in Guest Dates

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