If you follow me on twitter (@MyLifeOnMatch) you know the insanity of my online dating life and the crazy messages I get. This one has to go down in the books as the MOST rude message exchange ever. Meet Dick Head. (And yes, the grammatical errors kill me as well.)
So THIS happened…
DH: hey, I’m Dick Head. Your profile caught eye… I’m new to LA and I’m looking to meet people
ME: Hi Dick. Welcome to LA! What caught your eye? Where in LA are you living? Do you like it so far?
DH: very well, westside, what are you looking for?
ME: Huh? How are things going on okcupid? Oh, the stories I could tell! And westside – you’re close!
DH: please tell….
ME: Everything from being left with the check, to someone lying about their real name, to a guy only ordering water (that’s it – no food either!)… bizarre! LA has some doozies! Have any favorite places on the westside yet?
DH: no none yet. Youre picking wrong guys
ME: You think?
DH: did you want to hook up?
ME: What do you mean by hook up? (I’m not naive, but I always ask.)
ME: Not that kinda girl. Sorry!
ME: Oh yes. Dead serious. I’m all for having great sex and not waiting too long, but definitely want to be courted a little first. Just not looking for casual sex online… If I wanted to do that I’d just call an ex-boyfriend.
DH: Well I’m hot though
ME: Haha! Not gonna deny that! (According to his pics he’s an ex-model and he’s definitely hot. The entire time I keep thinking this could be a catfish situation, but his eagerness to meet defunked that theory. A hot guy in LA is dime a dozen, especially one that is only looking for casual sex.)
DH: Lets screw once
ME: Are you taking me out on 3-5 dates first?
DH: 2 dates? Most women want too after one date plus I’m not small
ME: 1. I’m not most women. 2. Good for you. I’ve been blessed with well endowed men. 3. Why are you trying so hard with me when there are so many women out there who aren’t giving you such a hard time? 4. Do you have ANY interest in more than sex?
DH: I have a thing for thick girls like you, I do have interest than sex, we can get to know each other, why are you single?
ME: You did NOT just call me thick.
DH: I meant it as a compliment
ME: Thick? Are u kidding?? How is that a compliment?
DH: I’m into thick girls and I think you’re hot, thick isn’t bad
ME: I’m sure there are plenty of women from this site who want to have sex with you even after you call them thick. I’m not one of them. Good luck!
DH: Why are you single You’re in your 30s, you only have like 2 year window to get married so why not have fun?
ME: I’m confused. How am I thick? I’m 5’5 and a size 6. Big boobs don’t make someone thick. I’m single because I choose to be. And I’m having a great time, but am not into causal sex with strangers. And I only have a 2 year window to get married?
DH: Lets go on a date, ill buy dinner. In your pics, your face and arms look chubby which I like
ME: Chubby? Omg. This is getting worse by the minute…
DH: There’s a photo where I can see your arms, it looks chubby and up close face pic does too which I like, I don’t mean it as a negative. I didn’t mean to offend, I can take you to dinner and Ill buy, you can order as much as you want and not pay a dime than take off. (So, now he thinks because I’m “chubby” I’m going to order the entire menu and gorge on a date? Who the fuck is this guy?)
ME: Good luck with everything. I’m sure you’ll find plenty of chubby and thick women on here who will want to have sex with you. I’m not one of them.
Online dating people. Fun times.
A quick update… I don’t know what the HELL is going on. In the last 2 days, I’ve gotten these random messages on a dating site.
1: You’re a black guys dream girl, you’re my type to a T, I’m into girls wit a little extra You know, some meat.
2: I just came across your profile and realized I am pretty sure we have met… What a bummer cause you seemed cool at first and then I realized you were a pacoima 5 acting like a Hollywood 10! Hit the gym tuts and try to be nicer!
I have since deleted half of my pics and not eaten dinner. Woah. What. Is. Happening?